11.10.23

I've been struggling a bit with my own self-image and self-esteem, especially surrounding my financial situation. I need to see a therapist again, but for now ChatGPT (cheapest therapist there is) recommended I start a gratitude journal. So I will do that.

I am grateful that I am healthy, and I have been disciplined with my daily exercise. I am grateful that, overall, I pursuing a creative path in my life and I am able to make money doing it. I am grateful I've been hearing back from so many of my job applications. I am grateful that I am talented and work hard. I am grateful that I have a wonderful, happy, healthy puppy, and wonderful parents, and wonderful Violet! I am grateful that they take care of me every day, and cook me food, and help with Harry. I have really needed this time to heal, and I haven't gotten a moment in years to truly pause, and take a break from everything. I am grateful for the stability, and the routine. I am grateful to be in nature, I am grateful to feel safe, and not too far from my friends. I am grateful to have wonderful friends.

10.??.23

tonight was laura and jeremy's "wedding" .., we did apregame on their roof, I started crying when I saw katherine's bregnenat belly. I couldn't help it! vyer weird.

we had a fun night. typical night on the town in greenpoint. topped off the night at kellogg's diner in williamsburg. their friend was flirting with me a little mybe but I wsan't sure until lat erhwne they told me. we went to chill at their neightbirs house where there was. areallllyyy vute hairless kitty. reminded me of summer (my old foster kitty). atika go prtty sick. it was ok. reminded me of that night after the 8ball hilday party when I blaccked out and this girl Aspen put me in an uber. sometimes idk why girls do these things. they just do. out of goodwill I suppose.

10.11.23

Ah! Another month without writing. I feel like I've been working my ass off but I've been stuck in the same place. My self-esteem has been low, and it's been bringing me down a bit and affecting my life. Sometimes I feel like my openness or vulnerability repels people. But even when I admit these things, is it manifesting hem, making them true? What if I just flipped my attitude around? There is a freedom in being vulnerable, and saying what's really on my mind. I don't like to keep things bottled in.

A big part of me wants to manifest the "I'm the baddest bitch in the world, no one can ever hurt me" attitude. Of course I know this wouldn't be entireley true. I've already been pretty successful for my age, had romantic partners, lived an adventuorous life. But I still want more. It's hard because I feel like I haven't had a "win" in a while. I can't even afford to go on a quick vacation. Buy cute new clothes. Get my own apartment. I think the money issue is probably the crux of my self-esteem issues right now, that I think about it. But perhaps it's a few other things.

I think I just need to keep my head up, keep working, keep applying to jobs, reaching out to new clients, working on my portfolio(!). I need to manifest the absolute highest possible vibrations. I am beauty, grace, talent, light. I am youthful, and energetic, people are attracted to my magnetic energy. I forgive everyone who has ever done wrong by me. I am a good (dog) mother, daughter, friend. I have accomplished so much. I will accomplish so much more. I have so many good ideas. I have a car, I can go anywhere. I can speak french, spanish, play multiple instruments. I have worked for world famous clients. I started my own business, my own record label. I produced my own album. I will do so much more. I have a blank slate in front of me. The world is my oyster.

Now, I just need to repeat the above to myself every day for the rest of eternity :)

9.12.2023 11:10 PM

Marisa and Alden got married this past weekend. I feel like I'd been venting a bit about the whole ordeal, but the weekend was truly so incredible. I truly felt like I could forget my worries for a few days, and enjoy the beauuty of the Adirondacks, and bask in their love. I'm feeling a little tired, I'll write more tomorrow...

9.12.2023

I am very behind on my journaling lately. What I would like to remember as vivid memories are slowly turning to hazy vignettes. I'd like to try to make a habit of this every day. Social media makes it hard!

I have beautiful memories this summer of going to see John Cale, warm night in Prospect Park. Sitting on a blanket, secondhand, first-hand cigarette smoke. Good margaritas, too expensive. Saw an old friend that had fallen from grace, or two. Saw my drum teacher! Sara was a little distant, hated the cigarette smoke. Talked about life with Michelle, Jacob, and their friend - she lives in Crown Heights, and we both have dads that are writers - turns out my dad knows of him! We bonded over dungeon synth.

Another beautiful memory: dancing with Michelle and Jacob in their apartment, we all imitaed the way our moms danced. We did a mom-style dance-off in the kitchen and couldn't stop laughing. Then Jacob made peanut butter chocolate mushroom balls, grinded them in the coffee grinder. We went to lay in the park, listened to NTS, looked at the leaves. "I don't think it's working..."

Of course it was working! Soon enough, I couldn't stop laughing. We watched a group of partiers in the distance, taking turns grabbing buckets of water from Prospect Park Lake to dump into a kiddie pool. Spraying the pool with bug spray. What were they doing!? We watched them closely. Someone brought out something that looked like a baton twirler you'd see at a rave. Someone else was swinging around something that looked "like a ballsack." I said "it's the goddamn ballsack olympics" and we couldn't stop laughing. Michelle and Jacob said I was a very good mom to Harry, and he was lucky to have me. We stayed in the mark until it got late, drinking rose and eating snacks. Jacob ordered pizza ahead of time for us - it arrived when we got back to their apartment, it was the best mushroom pizza I'd ever had - with a sourdough crust. Incredible.

9.04.2023

Sometimes I feel like my friends are mad at me, even though I have done nothing wrong! It stresses me out and annoys me because I know I'm a good friend! >__> See below tweet for reference:

I asked one of my dear friends if I could come over this morning and she said "ya ofc come over anytime!" and I came over 40 mins later and she was like omg just text me first next time.... T_________T girl....

it made me feel like an asshole ! I was like did I misread her text? T________T idk maybe she's going thru it.... (end tweet)

I am also kind of annoyed at another friend for cockblocking me a few weeks ago. I wanted to go into the city to see my crush at a show he was playing (she was visiting me in CT) but she didn't want to go! He lives sooo far away and isn't in the city often and it's been almost a month and a half since we started talking and we still haven't hung out :( and I really want to see him...
(also part of me feels paranoid someone will find this blog so I'm scared to use specific names in this moment lol...) Idk, I feel like if she really supported/understood me as a friend she would be supportive, especially knowing everything I've been thru with relaitonships in the past few years. She's also really young (23), and very much in a different stage of life than I am. I don't really hook up with randos anymore, and I try to be really intentional with my dating.... gahh. Whatever.

8.20.2023

I haven't written here in a longggg time. So much has happened. I moved out of my Brooklyn apartment and back to my parents house in Connecticut. I learned a while ago that your location or circumstance doesn't really determine how happy you are- it's more about your attitude and outlook. So - I was happy in Brooklyn, and I am happy here. I'm living out in nature, and I go on runs with Dad every day. Mom feeds Harry in the morning. We eat dinner together.

I've had all the time in the world to work on my record label and my creative business. My anxiety is finally gone. I don't wake up every morning with the same dread I used to have.

I'm kinda feeling lazy but will write more later... :)