7.4.22

f*ck america!!
I didn't take a single picture tonight. Fireworks are raging outside.

6.19.22

eating: caprese salad, herbs from garden (sage, mint, basil) warm food (fridge is broken), frozen food (freezr is ok), cocojune and peanut granola with strawberries and blueberries, good hummus, coconut avocade chevice (this plus hibiscus tea almost $20!?!?! from guevara's), mushroom chocolate from maggie (organic, with ginger in it)
drinking: lemonade, matcha, matcha lemonade, forgetmenot at ponyboy (ilegal mezcal, watermelon, ginger, lime jalapeno aquafaba, matcha salt rim)
watching: super milk-chan, old enough!
listening: my own album (ugh. trying to finish), Bob Marley & the Wailers, Hole Dweller, Caroline Polachek, 8 ball radio

6.16.22

It's honeysuckle season. Honeysuckle is a good remedy if you feel emotionally stuck in the past.
I should probably move this blog somewhere more private.
I've been spending time in the community garden. Lots of hot sun, almost too much. In a good way. Feels good for you. Too bad there's lead in the soil, and you can't eat the figs. Paula said "some people say that the plants can 'filter it out', but I'm not sure..."

5.28.22

Love, love, love. Oh, how I want to be in love. I feel a world away from everyone who is. What's that like? Tight chest, floating, intoxicating. Every little thing an adventure. Is that all? I think I've forgotten the feeling.

5.27.22

I want to work towards being better at keeping a journal. It's so easy to forget.

My attention span feels much more fractured than it used to be. It's difficult to feel and absorb things deeply because my attention is constantly being pulled in different directions. Sometimes I talk about things I think I know about, only to realize I'm lacking in the type of deep understanding that can only come from reading a book, or taking a class. I attribute all of this to my internet addiciton, of course.

I came home to my parents' house this weekend, and I've been looking through my old things - from high school, college, everything. It's so odd to look back at old records of my life and not remember specific details. It's also odd to forget about old relationships, old feelings. Being better about keeping a journal can be a practice in being kind to myself.

Everyone's home now: Mom, Dad, Steve, Tucker, Violet. Full house. Summer vacation. I'm grateful for having a true home base. I think I might lose my mind (again) without one.

Today we did our ritual: a walk to Dismal Swamp and the Waterfall. We saw two snakes (not poisonous). Violet bathed in the water, doing that funny thing shoe does - going in deep, then lying on her belly. It always makes us laugh.

Mom and I went to the farms, too: Gilbertie's and Patty Popp's. A special occasion. We got potatoes, carrots, mini greens, kale, hummus, eggs, and a tea towel with strawberries on it.

A lot of people's parents don't love them like mine do: they'd drop anything for me and Steve - always first priority. Sometimes I think this is my last life on Earth - as good as it's gonna get. As bad as it can be - it's still some kind of heaven.

4.26.22

I went to Michelle's apartment tonight. First person I've hung out with since Sunday when Mica dropped me off at home because Marisa's bf got govid and we had to leave Boston early.

We ate pizza and ice cream and talked talked talked. Music, art, life, fretting about covid, I could have talked even more. She showed me her photo prints from college - big ones, on rough-looking paper.

4.25.22

There is evidence that even mild cases of covid will probably be linked to early onset dementia. I wonder if I will ever fall in love again before I die. I don't want my parents to die, or to forget me. I want to live forever.

4.24.22

A note on right now, but maybe not forever.

I don't often write about the pain, the paranoia, the dread. When I look back at my art, my life, I want to see the moments of joy, happiness. I suppose all of us do. That's why it's so remarkable when we can muster the courage to memorialize the pain. When there is darkness, to survive, you must not dwell on these things. Otherwise you will lose yourself in the black.

There is heaviness everywhere. The empty shelves at Walgreens - is there really only one dandruff shampoo left? Weird looks when you wear the mask - but look who just got sick today! Black plastic on the walls in the bar (less people). I talk to someone with a Betsy Ross American flag hat (proverbial olive branch). Are you pro-war? He doesn't answer directly - but thinks the president is a puppet. I say I'm an anarchist and a pacifist. Not into it. Was there a time when we didn't talk like this?

3.12.22

Hi diary. I'm waiting around for my rasta pasta and soursop juice delivery to arrive, so I might as well write an entry. I'm a little hungover too but feeling a bit better.

Life has been pretty good lately. I've been getting along really well with my new roommate - she's very thoughtful and kind. We cook dinner together and sometimes go to see live music. The other week we went to a local bar, Wild Birds, and saw Poetric Thrust do an improvised set. It was really inspiring. I talked to the drummer and he was really nice - super talented guy. I ate vegan nachos and drank manhattan whiskey cocktails.

Last weekend I helped Sari paint her apartment in Bed Stuy. She helped me get a job with this guy who has done some work with Ira Cohen - one of my major photographic inspirations. So I wanted to return the favor. Keep the good vibes going. I got really into the painting and got a lot done. I got a little bit of white paint on my pants and shoes and jacket but I kind of wanted to. I've been feeling tired of trying to keep my clothes perfect all the time. Sari and her roommate said they spent a lot of time trying to find the perfect shade of white - the one they chose has a slight yellow hue to it. Eggshell.

Will and I smoked the remains of a joint he had put in the fold of his sock. He was sad about a recent breakup and getting fired from his job at Metrograph - I told him I know how he feels, because I recently went through a back-to-back breakup and firing too. It's ok, because maybe it was all for the best. Not even a blessing in disguise, just a blessing.

Sari and I worked together yesterday in the office in Chelsea. The weather was nice - I biked all the way there and back (about 14 miles). I helped edit the layout of a book for some rich people about their private Magritte collecion. It wasn't really hard work, we mostly just hung out and talked about our love life. The Magritte pieces in the collection were really beautiful, as Magritte paintings are. I ate a blue spirulina smoothie and vegan shnitzel sandwich. We talked about rare DVDs and lamented the loss of the restaurant By CHLOE.

After working I went to Jo's birthday party in Fort Greene. I brought ice and white wine, and wore my grey Los Angeles Apparel skirt (too big, affixed with safety pins), slightly ripped black tights, Pretties long sleeve black top, (fake?) gucci horesbit loafers. I walked over from my apartment, it only took about 25 minutes. I talked to some other (white) people from Connecticut, people keep talking about how certain areas are "dangerous" or "sketchy" - which is so stupid to me. It just sounds racist. People can be so ignorant.

We did a bit of cocaine in Jo's room (Mica's bf brought it) and I got really friendly and chatty. It made my face kind of numb. I promised myself I wouldn't to drugs anymore after the deaths from last summer, but it can be too easy just to say yes sometimes. We then all got in an uber and drove to meatpacking - blegh. I was sobering up when we got to the bar (club?), and wasn't very happy to be there. I left without saying goodbye to anyone.

An uber was almost $80 to get home, so I decided to get on an electric bike. It didn't even occur to me to take the subway - it's so dangerous these days, you can't take it at night anymore or a crazy person will try to get in your face. Some guys near the bike docks saw I was kind of drunk and offered me some of their pizza (maybe I just asked if I could have some?). I sat and chatted wth them for a bit so I could sober up more. They were super nice - one as from south america, and one was from europe. The pizza was really good, made with nice ingredients. I told them they were my pizza angels.

I biked through Tribeca and over the Brooklyn bridge for the second time that day. The sun wasn't up yet, but I could hear the birds chirping. The city was empty, it felt peaceful.

Michelle added me as a plus one for the Animal Collective show tonight. I'm super excited. I love their new album (I've been listening to Prester John on repeat), and I've never seen them as a 4-piece band before. I kind of want to wear my own Ghost Crab merch - lol. Anyway, I guess that's enough diary for today. It just started snowing outside. Until next time.

2.21.22

Hi again. Just wanted to write a quick little entry.

Still bummed about my love life. I bought flowers for myself on Valentine's Day - but, the famous Caroline Calloway told me she'd be my Valentine, so that made me feel better. The person I was dating a few months ago has ghosted me 1000%. It's sad and embarrassing at this point that I'd still be trying to reach out, but it makes me upset when I invest my time and love and emotional energy into someone and have nothing to show for it. I also hate how sex is so meaningless these days. It makes me feel like trash when I have sex with someone and the other person acts like I'm crazy for wanting something more...

I went to the film lab and developed color film by hand for the first time today, which felt like a pretty big accomplishment. It's tricky with the temperature control and all that but I surprisingly didn't mess it up. Hopefully the toxic fumes won't send me to an early grave!

It's sometimes hard for me to focus on mutliple creative endeavors at once (i.e. music composition, photography, graphic design, writing, DJing...), but I've been watching more Film Courage videos, which has been inspiring me to pursue film and TV direction/production/writing. It combines all of my favorite things! And I'm already an art director by trade, so I'm kind of already halfway there I think.

I also took some pictures pro bono for the wedding of Rachel Rabbit White and Nico Walker last week - which are two up-and-coming / already kind-of-famous "alt lit" authors. There was a Vogue photorapher there too, but I think my pictures will turn out better :) I will share the footage on Psychedeli Studio when I finish everything. I even composed a special song to accompany the video footage on my synth.

I still don't have a job - except for the part-time work I'm doing at the farmer's market lavender stand - and I've been living off my credit card, which probably isn't great. But after writing all this, I feel like less of a failure, because - hey! Look - I'm actually doing stuff.

2.1.22

A note on pot.

I've been smoking weed every day for the past 9 or so years, ever since I turned 18 and moved to Vermont. I always knew I would be a stoner for some reason, even before I'd ever tried the stuff. It was the main social activity in Burlington: if you wanted to become friends with someone, you asked them, "do you want to smoke sometime"? The habit continued through my life in New York, and every morning when I woke up - crushed by the weight of another day in this stupid world - I'd reach for my bowl. I was quick to discover that being high didn't really impede the functioning of my right brain, so I was able to mellowly doddle along with my graphic design work.

One of my new year's resolutions in 2022 was to avoid smoking weed before 5 PM. This has been pretty easy since I've been unemployed, and smoking during the day is not an option because I need to focus on finding a job. Since I've dialed back on the weed consumption, I've been experiencing emotions more vividly than I have in quite a long time: namely, anger and frustration.

I had a roommate last year who was a total slob. Even after I talked to her about it mutiple times, texted her constantly about her dirty dishes, and made a chore chart, she never seemed to make a change. Every time she'd leave a mess for me to clean up - like I was her mother or her maid - I would bury my anger by making a beeline for my room and taking a hit. The urge to flip out washed away like soap suds on a bowl. It was another 9 months of this shit before I finally asked her to find somewhere else to live.

In the 1986 Rohmer film Rayon Vert, the main character's friend snaps at her, because her constant moping about her ex-fiancée from 2 years ago is bumming everyone out. The main character - Delphine - says something like: "stop being so mean to me, I'm sad!" Her friend replies with something like: "sometimes you have to be mean, so that people know you're serious!" It was this film that made me realize: 1) I need to stop moping about my ex, because it's bumming everyone out. And 2) that sometimes you have to be mean, so that people know you're serious.

1.26.21

Hi - it's me again.

I've been feeling a bit dejected about not being able to find work, and being single, and I'm starting to worry more about money. I've had lots of time to work on music and spend time in my studio, however, which is really nice. I also don't really feel depressed anymore, like I was for much of 2020-2021. I wake up in the morning and I'm somewhat excited to start my day, and optimistic about what the future holds.

I found another person to share my practice space with who's interested in jamming together, so maybe we can start a band. Her music is really good, and she's a clever songwriter. If I get one other person to share the practice space, then the monthly cost of the studio will be totally covered - very cool!

I also want to try to write a short album - not the garden album - in one week. Kind of like Waxahatchee's American Weekend. Or a weird old Frankie Cosmos bandcamp LP. I want to work on my songwriting chops, and I've found that if you're more spur-of-the-moment, it can help to produce more interesting work. I'm thinking about calling it "Sounds From the Grotto" - as an homage to my old radio show.

I've been talking to recruiters about getting another fashion job - which I guess is all I really know how to do at this point. Sometimes I worry that having a full career outside of being an artist makes me uninteresting, but Harry Nilsson had a desk job before he became a songwriter. But I guess none of that really matters - sometimes I worry I'm too preoccupied with what other people have done, and what's acceptable, and what's interesting, instead of just being myself.

Also - if I get another full-time job, I'll be able to pay for more drums lessons, and maybe I can take up voice lessons, and dance lessons, and buy more instruments...

12.21.21

Wow! 2021 is almost over. Hoo ray.

This year has been marked with a lot of ups and downs, extended periods of isolation and sadness, moments of warmth and happiness. Getting hired, getting fired, falling in and out of what feels like love. Maybe I still have a lot to lean about love.

Despite the sadness and sea of doubt - I have a lot to be proud of that I accomplished in 2021. I started a record label - Toadstool Records - and a sister creative studio - Psychedeli Studio. I'm thrilled to see where these will take me in the new year.

I also started teaching myself piano and began writing songs, fully dedicating myself to acheiving a deeper understanding of music theory. This was like learning a whole new language. I've been contnuing to develop my skills on the drums as well, learning all abut rhythm and syncopation. What a joy!

I'm planning on releasing my first album in spring of 2022 - The Garden Album. Everything produced, composed, mixed, mastered, and written by me. The singing, the instruments, ambient soundscapes - all me. I already have a lot of demos. I want it to be an album you can get lost in for a little while. Something you can put on late at night at the end of a party, when everyone is getting tired but no one wants to go home.

Cheers to a new year!

7.12.21

Updated my "resources" page a bit more. Toying around with positioning elements just for fun.

A series of upsetting events/circumstances have emotionally defined my past week. I finally got to go back to my favorite club and felt like I couldn't even enjoy myself. I feel like I'm barely hanging on by a string. Feeling discouraged, betrayed, upset and incredibly strung out.

To do: more updates to resources page, update links, etc.

6.24.21

Updated icon layout on my "about" page. Still mentally working through the "resources" page. Added links to my recent EP.

I just had my birthday on the summer solstice a few days ago. I'm excited to get older now because I can get better at playing piano each passing year. At my current rate I should be able to play Fantasie-Impromptu in about 6 1/2 years.

To do: refine the design of resources page/draft images to link to pages.

6.14.21

Lots of updates tonight. Revamped the layouts for the "index" "home" and "about" pages. Updated links on the "gigs" page. Created new subfolders to better organize images.

It's been warm and overcast here in New York. This past Saturday I volunteered at the 8 Ball x Printed Matter Zine Fair on Saint Mark's place. The day was spent taking pictures, collecting printed matters, saying hello to people I hadn't seen in many months, and exploring the bountiful community gardens of the Lower East Side. I DJ'd during the last half hour of the fair with a repertoire of country tunes, including highlights such as "Row Jimmy" and "Rollin' with the Flow."

Today I learned about the untimely passing of a fellow 8-Ball volunteer. We hadn't ever really spoken outside of radio meetings, but we followed each other on instagram, which I think means we acknowledged each other as friends. I've had a hard time focusing on anything (besides my website) today because I've been thinking about it a lot. His girlfriend, his mom. He's about the same age as me.

I listened to his soundcloud while biking to my studio today. Plunderphonic-y horror beats that would sound right at home as an UNO NYC release; candid lyrics about being drunk on the L train back to Manhattan, with his worried girlfriend waiting up for him. He has a pretty extensive body of work, and it's all really good. It would have been great to see where his musical direction would have gone. I think I'll be going to his funeral this Saturday.

To do: organize images in the subfolders and update HTML links on affected pages.

5.20.21

Created "not found" and "gigs" pages.

Weather in new york is getting hot and humid, and the coconut oil candles by my bedside have begun to melt. Now that I'm vaccinated and bars are opening up I'm excited to start throwing more parties and doing DJ sets again this summer.

I went to an outdoor rave in a field in an industial part of Brooklyn the other week, and it was definitely one of the most fun and unique shows I've been to. We had to walk through some brush at the end of a dark empty street with only the occasional green glowstick to light the way. Sadly the cops eventually came and shut things down before my friends could even do their set. Booooo ACAB etc etc.

Making updates on this website has quickly become my new favorite hobby. And I'm learning new things as I go along too. :)

To do: more content!

5.19.21

Updated the CSS to make everything centered. This website should also now be fully mobile responsive! Woohoo.

To do: update links on nav bar, gather content for addt'l pages.